Feeling Guilty About Putting Your Needs First?
As a psychologist who works with mums in the postnatal period, one of the most common emotional struggles I see in new and seasoned mothers is the tension between meeting the needs of others and meeting their own needs.
Many of the women I work with describe feeling guilty when they set a boundary… and equally resentful when they don’t. Do I choose myself and feel guilty, or choose the other person and feel resentful?
Of course, when it comes to a new baby’s needs, there is little room for negotiation. Newborns need us for everything, and their care naturally comes first. But outside of that, many mothers find themselves wrestling with impossible choices in other areas of life—whether with partners, extended family, friendships, or work commitments.
Why Is It So Hard to Say No?
Motherhood brings with it a strong sense of responsibility (and often a desire to be perfect), not just for your child, but for everyone around you—your partner, your extended family, your workplace. Saying yes becomes a habit, even when it stretches you far too thin.
But over time, this pattern can take a toll.
Saying yes too often—especially when it’s coming from a place of obligation—can lead to resentment, exhaustion, and emotional withdrawal.
Saying no, on the other hand, can trigger guilt, making you feel like you’ve let someone down or failed to live up to expectations.
The Weight of Guilt and Resentment
Neither emotion is easy to live with. Guilt can leave mothers questioning their worth, replaying decisions over and over, or fearing they’ve let someone down. Resentment, meanwhile, tends to creep in slowly and quietly, creating distance and emotional withdrawal from the very people they care about.
It’s important to remember that guilt and resentment are not signs that something is wrong with you as a mother. Rather, they are natural emotional responses to the pressures and expectations that surround motherhood. Learning to recognise these feelings and respond to them with care is key to building healthier boundaries and stronger relationships.
You are not alone
Remember, you are not alone in this. If you’re struggling with managing guilt or any other difficult emotions, seeking support can be incredibly helpful. You can book an appointment with me either in-person or via video call.
