Having a baby can bring more to do than you expected. There are the daily tasks of caring for your baby. There’s also the mental load of remembering appointments, supplies, routines and what everyone needs.
Even when people are willing to help, asking can feel hard. You might worry that you’re asking too much. Or you might feel that you should be able to manage on your own. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many mums find it hard to ask for help, even when they feel tired or stretched thin.
Why asking for help can feel difficult
You might worry that others will judge you or think you’re not coping. You may fear they’ll see you as a less capable parent. Perhaps your needs have been dismissed before, or asking for help has led to tension or let-down.
It can also feel as if other people are already busy, or that your needs should come last. When your baby depends on you so much, your own needs can become harder to notice, let alone talk about.
The pressure to manage everything
Many mums have high expectations of themselves. You may feel responsible for keeping the house running, remembering what everyone needs, being there for others and caring for your baby in just the right way. These expectations can come from family, culture, social media or ideas about what a “good” mum should do.
If you’re used to being capable and self-sufficient, asking for support may feel like a failure. You may feel that a good mum should put herself last and do everything herself. But carrying so much can leave you exhausted, lonely or resentful, even when you love your family deeply.
These feelings can be hard to make sense of. You might feel guilty for wanting a break, frustrated that others haven’t noticed what needs doing, or disappointed that support hasn’t come naturally. I write more about guilt and resentment in Feeling Guilty About Putting Your Needs First?.
You don’t have to carry it alone
Finding it hard to ask for help doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or failing. It may show how much you feel responsible for, how high your expectations are, or how little space there is for your needs.
If you feel overwhelmed, alone or hard on yourself, you’re not alone. Asking for help can feel difficult, especially when you’re used to managing so much on your own. You don’t need to know exactly what to say before reaching out. You’re welcome to get in touch when you feel ready. I am a psychologist supporting mums during pregnancy, after birth and in the early years of parenting, in person in Coburg and online across Australia.
